Alone

Maggie was beautiful, intelligent, and captivating of youthful innocence.  Her early years were full of promise; she excelled academically and found comfort in exploring nature and embracing the solace of her backyard reading her favourite novels into the hours of twilight.  She dreaded the weekends as she would have to endure sleepless nights comforting her brother as her alcoholic father fought with her mother.  Saturday mornings became a routine of her mother yelling endlessly at her father accusing him of infidelity; a temper fuelled by so much resentment and suffering.  Every weekend Maggie had to clear away broken furniture, cans of beer and make breakfast for her hung over father who was completely oblivious to his drunken rages.

At age eleven, Maggie’s parents left her in the care of a male relative as they went out to a night club.  Maggie fell asleep on the living room couch and awoke startled as she felt the hands of the man touching her body, then his wet lips on her lips.  The last image vivid in her mind was seeing him light a cigarette; she closed her eyes fighting back the tears, trying to imagine that everything was going to be alright.  He stole her innocence. She told her mother who accused her of lying.

One Saturday morning, Maggie woke to find that her mother and father were nowhere in sight.  No empty beer cans and absolute silence.  Maggie’s father did not come home from the previous night and her mother was out searching for him.  Hours passed and finally her mother barged through the front door “I just caught your dad naked in the bed of another woman”, she said in a voice full of anguish.  She ordered Maggie to start packing so they could leave.   Maggie looked at her brother as he sat in silence on the sofa, his eyes full of purity and pain.  Her father arrived home amidst the packing, the mother grabbed Maggie’s arm and told her to get into the car.  Maggie looked for her brother but her mother kept pushing her towards the car.  They left.  She looked back as they pulled out of the driveway and her brother was yelling out the window for her mother to stop.  Maggie begged her to stop.  Her mother kept driving.

At age sixteen Maggie met a guy who made her feel wanted.  He professed an undying love for her.  Maggie, completely naive believed every word he said.  She skipped classes, started smoking weed, lied to her parents, lied to herself and began an unhealthy relationship with a guy she barely knew.  As Maggie’s world spiralled out of control her parent’s marriage was on the road to recovery.  Her father sought help through the church and he gave up drinking.  The family moved into a beautiful home in the suburbs.  Maggie’s parents became livid when they found out she was failing school.  Maggie’s mother beat her and sent her away to another country for three months.

Maggie returned home and completed her last year of high school, she met a guy in her science class, a Mormon who made her laugh.  This guy upheld the Christian values that she believed would give her the escape she craved for.  He e-mailed Maggie daily quotes of inspiration, wrote her love letters, sang to her on the phone, surprised her with flowers and Oreos, and even won over the approval of her parents.  One evening, Maggie was home alone and invited him over.  They listened to Babyface and Maxwell, he kissed her and their teenage hormones clouded their judgement.  He lay above her and asked if she wanted to make love, she said no.  He stopped, put his clothes back on and apologised for getting carried away.  The next day he told Maggie that the only way he could continue a relationship with her was if she converted to his religion, she refused and he became distant.  Thereafter, it seemed every moment they spent together was of a physically intimate nature.  She broke up with him at the end of the high school year.  Her mother blamed her for ruining such a ‘good’ relationship.

At age twenty one, Maggie formed a relationship again with the guy she met at age sixteen.  He had moved to Australia.  She lied to her family including the brother she loved and who today is the only person who has never hurt her, telling them that she would go to Australia for her 21st birthday to visit family.  She went to Australia with the intention of being with this man and to never return home again.  Maggie saw this as an escape from the painful past she endured.  She flew to Australia and within a month she married this man.  From the beginning she could sense that he was an angry man, and each day she had to tread carefully to avoid his fury.  The first time they were intimate it was far from the concept of making love.  He was rough and enforced his bizarre sexual fantasies upon her.  The only time he ever touched her was to satisfy his sexual needs.  He made her feel worthless, and she fell into an empty and aching abyss.

She called her mother seeking comfort however her mother full of rage yelled at her, “I forbid you to stay with that man, I’ll never accept your relationship and I swear you will never have children.  Your marriage is a joke.”  The abuse in her marriage escalated, and she fell pregnant.  She flew back home, knowing that she could not raise her child in an unloving environment.  The first day back home she had a miscarriage.  A month later her husband flew in from Australia to be with her. She stayed with him despite his unfaithfulness, and she endured his physical abuse and his unhealthy obsession with porn.  Maggie wanted to prove to her parents that she was happy, that she made the right choice in marrying this man.  She lived such an empty facade, being the obedient wife, the breadwinner, the used and abused.  He would leave her at home alone while he spent entire weekends away. She knew he was out with other women but she couldn’t muster the strength to fight with him.  She never yelled at him as her mother had done with her father.  She no longer cared about his infidelity, as she preferred that he go and be unfaithful, rather than stay at home and touch or abuse her.  Maggie just let him go as he pleased.  She became accustomed to nights of having dinner by herself.  Alone.  This is the life she chose.

They stayed unhappily married for four years.  She had a conversation with two of her dear friends who begged her to leave him.  Maggie texted her husband saying she no longer wanted to be with him.  He text back, “Ok”.  She arrived home later that day to see him with another woman, packing his belongings.  Three months later his new girlfriend was pregnant and they were engaged.  Maggie, battered and torn wondered what she had done to deserve such misery.  Her two best friends also left the country leaving Maggie feeling abandoned and searching for purpose.

Maggie envisioned a man who would love and embrace her for who she was.  A man who would wake next to her with a smile on his face, that would make her laugh and fill her life with unconditional love.  She craved a sense of belonging, a loving touch, a place she could call home and share with another who would just simply be home for dinner.  It happened.  Maggie fell in love with a wonderful man.  He made her laugh and treated her with so much respect.  He made her feel beautiful, and for the first time in her life she felt safe and loved.  Every weekend they would go out and enjoy the company of mutual friends.  He danced with her and gave her all the loving attention she needed.  People would often comment on how they could see and feel that they were in love.  Maggie dwelled within his love.  He promised to love her and take care of her and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.  His love allowed her to embrace life and enabled her to return to her love of nature.

It seemed Maggie’s life encompassed all that she desired. However, this was short lived.  He lied to her.  He didn’t look at her the way he used to or compliment her grace and beauty.  He didn’t take her out in the weekend.  He left her at home as he went out until the early hours of the morning.  And, he no longer danced with her.  Consumed with a sense of failure, loss of self and no longer having the capacity to cry anymore lonely tears, Maggie ended her life.  Alone.  All she ever wanted was to be loved.

Curly Miri © 2012

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27 thoughts on “Alone

    • Your comment has evoked a memory of sadness for me. If only people could love without reserve and not take for granted the love of a good person. Thank you.

  1. Indeed, I have been involved in some of these activities as counselor and as a shoulder to cry, believe me it hurts from deep inside, listening to what people say, I have to deactivate my previous facebook account, because I found so many people happy from outside but deep inside they are hurt and are living some dreadful lives.

    It’s because of these stories I faced, that I decided that I should write up so that people can change their life, and seek for a simple and peaceful life not materialistic at all.

    Glad to know one more person who cares for the people!

  2. Oh how I understand the need to be loved and appreciated for who I am and what I contribute and although I have the most loving of husbands and a most happy marriage of 32 years, I found out a long time ago that if you put your trust and faith in people, you would always be disappointed. So when I was 20, I put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ, The Only Begotten Son of God, My Savior and the Savior of whomever will come to Him and put their faith and trust in Him. He never disappoints. He is always there when I need Him-a lot of the time, He has to carry me, but in my weakness, He is made strong.
    I would be most happy to explain more to anyone who would like to know Him personally.
    It is amazing to know that the God of the Universe, Creator of all Things loves YOU personally. Knows the number of hairs on your head and wants a personal relationship with you. Just contact me by my blog http://cindyhfrench.com or my direct email cindy@mrtampnorth.com

  3. This post leaves me feeling sad and tearful, but at the same time, it is eye-opening. Being happy with yourself is most important, but it must be hard to do, when having led a life like the one she did as a child growing up. Poor girl. I hope she’s found the peace and happiness in heaven that she deserves.

  4. I came here after you had liked one of my articles. This story is sad and every day this happens within our society. I think it is so sad that sometimes people refuse to see the sadness around them as they are too wrappped up in themselves. I am writing a book about this subject in the form of a story if you would like to know more or read it you can e mail me at athenabrady1@gmail.com Thank you for highlighting this issue, you are a loving and caring person.

    • Thank you for sharing your perspective. I agree with you, it is saddening that people refuse to see what is right in front of them. I would love to read your book! Thank you.

  5. i knew someone who died of anorexia due to she thought no one loved her…at age eight…i wanted to be as kind and beautiful as her…i still to this day visit her at the graveyard…I myself have been through to much…i always thought I would never be able to be kind due to everything i have been through

    • Thank you for sharing. My hope for you is that you move forward and embrace your beauty and the beauty which surrounds you. Often we are so overwhelmed by life’s hurdles it is easy to forget the good in our life, I completely understand where you are coming from. Thank you for stopping by.

    • I am a survivor of anorexia and bulimia. I was hospitalized twice..I got down to 64 pounds, and I had a heart attack. I had to crawl to the bathroom at one point because I had no energy. I also died once, I know that sounds crazy, but I did. Death came for me in the middle of the night. I was awaken to the most hideous looking monster I have ever seen; nothing can compare or come close to the hideousness of the creature next to my bed. Suddenly, I was above myself looking down, and I could see my dead body lying there. I could not speak, I felt nauseated, and there was a pressure feeling…I kept thinking, “In the name of Jesus, help me..” and finally, I was back in my bed. I was living in rebellion, and though I had been saved as a child, because I was not living my life for the Lord at all, it wasn’t an angel of light that was coming for me; it was death, to take me to hell.

      Now I have food allergies..go figure! Now that I want to eat, my diet is limited. My teeth were nasty and destroyed, so my dentist had to redo them to a pic while my mom, his assistant, worked for free on the weekends so that I could afford to have so many porcelain crowns. This was my crutch. I did not give it up until I was in my early twenties. I also almost died of renal failure from it.

      It is a terrible addiction because you cannot give anything up. For example, you take the alcohol from the alcoholic, or the drugs from the drug addict, but you can’t remove the brain from the head of an anorexic and bulimic. It is by God’s good graces I am here today. The doctor’s all told my parents I would die and to prepare themselves for the worst. I was too headstrong.

      I would get weighed daily, and I would wear five layers of clothes, every bit of jewelry I had, hidden beneath my shirt, three pairs of socks, the heaviest clothes I could find, and I hid a water spicket beneath a table in my bedroom. I weighed a large fast food plastic cup filled with water; it weighed three pounds. I would calculate how much I needed to drink to foil the doctors, and i would not urinate, though I had to go badly. This was dangerous because you can give yourself a heart attack..I remember water uncontrollably spewing from my mouth and then I awoke on the floor in front of the restroom sink.

      I looked like a skeleton with skin stretched over it, my eyes sunken in, and you could count every bone in my body through my clothing, even my ribs through my shirt on my back.

      Praise God I do not have this problem anymore! Praise God that I have been able to live to this age of 40!

      • Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your strength is inspiring and I am happy to know that you have moved forward positively. Thank you.

  6. As stated above, she never loved herself. Most of us don’t. It is discouraged as conceited or selfish. But true self love is the only place that love for others can begin. I’m not religious, but even Jesus said, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Thyself has to come first. Furthermore, if you are allowing others to “make you feel,” whether it is “good” or “bad,” you are giving your power away and falling into the victim role. That is a place of misery. Take responsibility for your own actions and emotions and leave that pit of despair. Thank you for a well-written story which brings up many alternative solutions.

    • Thank you for sharing your beautiful perspective. I completely agree with your reference to giving away one’s power and falling into the role of being victim. Thank you.

      • On a totally irrelevant note: You have a very energetic look that is attractive on a level not physical, but through the physical. Make any sense? Society has decided it’s not okay to compliment people on the way they look, but in a twist of bi-polarism it’s okay to be obsessed with looks, especially celebrities. But how someone appears says something about who they are. And if we pay attention, something of the spirit shows through the physical. Your spirit shines out through you in an appealing way. There!

  7. One more thing I forgot, a few years ago I was working for a Hospice company where I traveled to nursing homes and the such. I found out that a young woman, who had been only slightly older than me at the time, had willfully died of anorexia-bulimia. She had been in the eating dissorders in patient unit hospital with me. I remember she always got me in trouble in the EDU..she would do things and blame me for it to where they locked me out of my room, supervised me going to the toilet, in the shower..everything! And I was actually being a good girl! Oh, at the time I couldn’t stand her…I was a kid, and here I was getting blamed for stuff I wasn’t doing and getting punished for it. Regardless, anorexia-nervosa involves a lot of sneakiness, preoccupation with food, deception, and the such. I would make myself throw up if I even drank anything. The people who cared about me seemed from my perpesctive to hate me because they were ratting me out; but they were only trying to save my life. Consequently, I am 5’7 and was before all of this started; I got lucky I guess. I shrunk to 5’4 at the time as a result of calcium deficiency and developed osteoperosis. My back looked like a little old lady’s back. They put me on some medication and because I was young, it reversed itself and I went back to my original height.

  8. Yeah, Po’ Girl knows all about heartbreak. When you lose everything in life, you have to shine. What else can you do? I am so sad that this girl listened to the voice of the evil one that also told her that she was not loved, which is not true. Jesus called the enemy the “strong one” and this is why. Most of our lives are spent fighting to stay alive with so many things going against us, hence Murphy’s Law! Sometimes you will have so many bad things and so many losses you feel what’s the use. That is when you better pray to the heavens, scream to the heavens and get mad if you have to, but pray everyday and NEVER give up!

  9. I know only too well what it feels like to be lonely – and going through hard times without support. I also know about having an alcoholic father (mine died when I was 8 years old because he drank too much). I also learned that people often question why you would want to give them your love – and many people don’t believe in an innocent love. I guess that’s why I love being around animals so much. They just accept love and give it back in their own way.

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